How I came to know Jesus is a complicated story with layers
of experiences, conversations, and hang-ups along the way. In the end, I think
I finally said “yes” to Him through reading C.S. Lewis and the book of Romans. The
way these writers laid out the truths of the faith spoke to the way my
logic-hungry brain is wired! My faith began from a place of assenting to
truths. My experience of God was highly cerebral and largely limited to reading
the Bible, journaling, and discussing truth. Sometimes music was especially
powerful and, of course, I have always felt God in creation! But my experience of God and what He does was mostly
limited to only what I could intellectually understand.
Through coming to
SROM, experiencing different churches, and meeting people ‘outside my box,’ I
realized that others had a different understanding of the Holy Spirit and what
God does. Most people would label this as “the charismatic church.” I
encountered people that really did “dance before the Lord with all [their]
might” as David did (2 Sam 6:14). I met people that actually prayed for
healings and miracles. I experienced the Holy Spirit overwhelming me with love
and affection.
At first all of this was scary, or at least uncomfortable.
How do we really know if it’s a miracle? I can’t prove it. It’s just emotional
energy and flubber gub. I was afraid of being manipulated, especially by
authority “in the name of Jesus.” I also was afraid because these experiences
weren’t ‘facts’ that I could write down, understand, and ultimately put in a nice
neat box. I also reacted in frustration: “Do these people think they are better
than me? Do they think that they have more faith, or are ‘better’ Christians?”
I began to compare myself and wondered, “If that is faith, do I even really
believe?”
I had to acknowledge that all of the things I was
experiencing and witnessing did indeed occur in Scripture. Not only did Jesus
heal people, but so did his disciples. The list of people that experienced
dreams and visions is long. (To name a few from the Old and New
Testaments: Abraham, Abimelech, Jacob,
Joseph, Samuel, Solomon, the Midianite army, Daniel, Zacharias, Joseph (Mary’s
husband), Pilate’s wife, Ananias, Cornelius, Peter, Paul, and John). However,
many Christians believe that these sorts of supernatural events were
specifically ordained for ancient times and are no longer relevant for the present
day.
Then I was forced to ask myself, “Why? Where does that
belief come from?” I haven’t read anywhere in scripture, “And from this day
forth, there shalt be no more miracles in My Name.” The testimonies from the
early Church in Acts are intense, not to mention the events recorded in Revelation!
In John, after Jesus has healed several people, multiplied food for thousands,
walked on water, and raised someone from the dead, He says, “Most assuredly, I
say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and
greater works that these he will do” (John 14: 12). Really, Jesus? You really said that??
I
came to the conclusion that I couldn’t simply write off Scripture. How can I
deny the words that came out of Jesus’ mouth? Because of this conclusion, I
began to feel even more deeply that my faith was somehow ‘not good enough’
because I had been putting God in a logic-constrained, man-shaped box. I needed
to repent, and I did. But God also showed me (and my husband reminded me) that
the ways I was already experiencing God were supernatural as well. The
experience of forgiveness is a miracle. Loving Jesus is a miracle. Loving
others is a miracle. Faith is a miracle no matter where you are! Everything
else I was seeing and experiencing was just a different form of a miracle. They
are not any more or less important; God just wants me to see more of Him and expand the boundaries of
my God-box.
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| Art by Wayne Forte. Prayer 4 Life. |
Slowly I began to open myself up to God moving in what were (for
me) non-traditional ways. I asked for greater understanding and faith in these
matters, and asked that He help me with my fear of manipulation. I know that
there will always be people who are just putting on a show and pursuing their
own agenda regardless if they are easily labelled ‘charismatic’ or not. For a
while I was obsessed with the idea of KNOWING if things I witnessed were really
of God or not. Now, He has showed me that it doesn’t really matter if I KNOW
all the time. Of course I can (and should!) check things against Scripture and
the Holy Spirit, but ultimately He knows everyone’s hearts and motives. If I am
encouraged by something, great, but if I am wary, then so be it. I must
sometimes trust Him with uncertainty and trust the Holy Spirit that dwells
inside of me.
More and more I began to experience ‘different’ things with
the Lord—others receiving visions for me that were spot on, experiencing
visions of heaven and the supernatural realm, and God speaking to me through
visions and dreams. (Honestly, if I look back on my life, there had already
been dreams from Him that I hadn’t recognized as such.) On last year’s
Wilderness Ministry Professional’s
Course, out of the intense love the Father has for his children (my
students), I received multiple pictures that were for those individuals
specifically. It was uncomfortable at first, but then became normative.
Especially when I got to see someone experience the Father and His love for
them in this unique way. Pictures are worth a thousand words!!!
Traveling to El Paso and ministering to people that I didn’t
know and couldn’t communicate with was an even further step out in faith.
Despite these differences, I STILL received visions for a few of these
people—and they were blown away by the Father’s love through it. This was
hugely comforting to me—almost confirmation that my subconscious wasn’t making
this up.
In
the end whatever type of miracle we experience, it is always towards the same
end—growing our relationship with the Father. I received visions to encourage people,
to build up His body the Church, and to usher in an experience of the Father
and His love for them. It wasn’t and isn’t about me AT ALL! When I place my
eyes on Him and not on myself that is when I am available as a conduit of His
love. That is when I am available for ‘ministry.’ Father grant me the grace to
be your love in skin, and not impede the work you are doing in people and on the
planet.
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| Art by Joel Schoon-Tanis. Pa-Salms. |
